Friday Funnies

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If Students Wrote the Bible…

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning–cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five–double-spaced and written in a large font.

New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.

Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s email to abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

“The flight to Egypt,” said Kyle.

“I see … And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,” Ms. Terri said.

“But who’s the fourth person?”

“Oh, that’s Pontius-the Pilot.

Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Joey, “there’s somethin’ I can’t figger out.” “What’s that Joey?” asked Goldblatt.

“Well accordin’ to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”

“Right.”

“An’ the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”

“Er–right.”

“An’ the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”

“Again you’re right.”

“An’ the Children of Israel fought the ‘gyptians, an’ the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an’ the Children of Israel wuz always doin’ somethin’ important, right?”

“All that is right, too,” agreed Goldblatt. “So what’s your question?”

“What I wanna know is this,” demanded Joey. “What wuz all the grown-ups doin?”

Funny 1 Liners

  • Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back
  • Time is what keeps things from happening all at once
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
  • I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
  • Never answer an anonymous letter
  • It’s lonely at the top; but you do eat better
  • Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours…
  • Few women admit their age; few men act it
  • If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else
  • We have enough youth How about a fountain of “Smart”?
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest
  • Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes
  • Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
  • There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t
  • Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

A young lady came home very sad from a date. She told her mother, “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell.”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. “How are you, darling?” she said. “What kind of a day are you having?”

“Oh, mother,” said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, “I’ve had such a bad day. The baby won’t eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven’t had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I’ve just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I’m supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight.”

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. “Oh, darling,” she said, “sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I’ll be over in half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I’ll feed the baby and I’ll call a repairman I know who’ll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I’ll do everything. In fact, I’ll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.”

“George?” said the housewife. “Who’s George?”

“Why, George! Your husband!….Is this 223-1374?

“No, this is 223-1375.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.”

There was a short pause and the housewife said, “Does this mean you’re not coming over?”

I thought we could all use a laugh. God bless you today!

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One thought on “Friday Funnies

    Mazhar said:
    March 22, 2013 at 7:11 am

    Nice!

    Date: Fri, 22 Mar 2013 13:09:24 +0000 To: mazhar1989@live.com

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